I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
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"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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