; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
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Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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