Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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