the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
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Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
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That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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