Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
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I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
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Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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