why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
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The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
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We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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