Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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