booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize