this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
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I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
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I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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