this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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