Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
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At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
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Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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