I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
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I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
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I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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