I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
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She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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