I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
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We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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