So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize