My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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