You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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