Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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