I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
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he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize