this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
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Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
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You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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