small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
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Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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