Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
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Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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