I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
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She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gargled with NyQuil
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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