well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My penis needs a shock collar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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