she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just found puke in my bra..
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
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Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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