So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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