my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
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Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
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This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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