FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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