Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(734): View more from Michigan

What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?

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(734): What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo? http://tfl.nu/r7wm

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(561): View more from Florida

I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.

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(561): I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream. http://tfl.nu/f7mo

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(801): View more from Utah

The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance

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(801): The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance http://tfl.nu/4nxj

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(903): View more from Texas

My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

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(903): My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something. http://tfl.nu/fhlb

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(650): View more from California

i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.

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(650): i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family. http://tfl.nu/mjvo

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.

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(215): He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down. http://tfl.nu/lp4z

Replies (23) Good night (1668) Bad night (4940)
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(905): View more from Ontario

My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.

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(905): My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed. http://tfl.nu/zkjg

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(805): View more from California

you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible

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(805): you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible http://tfl.nu/6jjf

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(913): View more from Kansas

I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.

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(913): I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids. http://tfl.nu/b3me

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(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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(530): My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/pzgc

Replies (13) Good night (3758) Bad night (1099)
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(619): View more from California

I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.

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(619): I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time. http://tfl.nu/u8ll

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(501): View more from Arkansas

eta to your mouth 5 minutes

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(501): eta to your mouth 5 minutes http://tfl.nu/vxef

Replies (6) Good night (1176) Bad night (393)
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(925): View more from California

I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched

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(925): I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched http://tfl.nu/8lpn

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(251): View more from Alabama

You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.

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(251): You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER. http://tfl.nu/1azh

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(310): View more from California

I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.

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(310): I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there. http://tfl.nu/77nt

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