If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
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I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
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Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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