if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
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Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
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Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
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