I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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