apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
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My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
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What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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