Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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