I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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