Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Dicks are not precious.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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