i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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