shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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