can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
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I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
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So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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