I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
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This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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