Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize