Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize