Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
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I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
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I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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