my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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