The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize