Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
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He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
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My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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