She's JV to your varsity
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
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We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
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the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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