trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
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I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
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In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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