If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
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i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
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Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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