I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize